How To Do Disney World If You are Not Into Disney

In case you’ve stumbled upon this submit by way of a Google search, please bear in mind that this can be a very particular article. It’s a information to visiting Disney World when you’re not that into Disney. I personally am not that into Disney. And I fear about saying this, as a result of among the adults I noticed at Disney World appeared to be very, very, very into it. I’m virtually scared to put in writing something remotely scathing lest I get bombarded with abuse from Disney super-fans. Stabbed to demise with a crystal-encrusted fairy Godmother wand. Strangled with a stretched-out Slinky Canine toy.

However right here’s the factor: a lot of the adults I do know in actual life aren’t that into Disney. They don’t have any robust emotions about it both manner. And this submit is for them. Possibly you additionally don’t have any robust emotions about Disney: maybe you’re just about ambivalent about it. Possibly spending a small fortune to fly midway internationally and journey round a man-made river in a fibreglass clamshell isn’t excessive in your precedence listing. This submit is for you, too.

And when you have arrived at this submit by way of a Google search and at the moment are perplexed as to why anybody of their proper thoughts would go to Disney World in the event that they weren’t that into it then I’ve one phrase for you (a phrase that must be fairly apparent however I’ll indulge): youngsters. Youngsters are certainly the explanation the vast majority of adults go to any theme park and – I’m going to exit on a limb right here – additionally the explanation that adults go to locations like Centerparcs. As a result of what kid-free grownup would voluntarily pay Enterprise Class to Barbados cash to be able to keep in a fake log cabin, go swimming in a large greenhouse and dine at a number of the worst eateries Nice Britain has to supply?

I’d hazard a guess at…not many. (I feel I in all probability nonetheless have Canterparcs to sit up for, by the way in which – the children by no means cease occurring about it.)

So anyway, right here’s my information to doing Disney when you’re not that into Disney – aka “doing it for the children”. And I haven’t written this submit to decrease the expertise of these adults who love a nostalgic, balloon-filled jaunt to Orlando with their particular Mickey Mouse backpacks on (when you learn on you’ll see that I’m not completely resistant to its charms) nor to be any form of Debbie Downer concerning the place. For those who learn How To Book A Holiday That You’ll All Enjoy you’ll see that I booked the journey to Disney partly as a result of I had all the time been interested in it: had wished to tick it off the listing. See what it was all about. It wasn’t completely a beneficiant act of self-flagellation/martyrdom/madness and, at any price, I’m fairly non-judgemental in the case of what makes different folks tick.

You get your thrills from the vacuum cleaner, energy turned all the way down to “rug” setting? Who am I to evaluate. Spend your weekends writing love letters with your individual blood? Knock your self out. You voluntarily make an annual pilgrimage to a spot with a pink fort and a haunted resort, the place each different constructing’s a merchandise retailer and each worker calls you good friend? Barely extra area of interest, however you do you…*

Listed here are some – hopefully – useful pointers for these contemplating a visit to Orlando.

1. Ask Your self: Do You Even Need To Go

I didn’t wish to begin on a low however I’m attempting to put in writing an sincere, useful information right here for many who don’t love theme parks. So. Be upfront with your self. Do you even wish to go to Disney? For those who’re a bit curious and it will make your child’s 12 months then that’s one factor: if you realize that you’re actively going to detest it, since you hate Organised Pleasure™ and since queues make you go chilly and since loud clips of music performed on a loop would possibly simply ship you over the sting…don’t go. Simply don’t.

Attributable to the truth that I’ve unrealistic expectations of issues and am eternally optimistic when it fits my agenda, I believed that the queues and the crowds and the noise at Disney World wouldn’t actually trouble me. I additionally thought that the entire Obligatory Enjoyable™ facet of all of it could be OK, though I’m a cynical outdated boot and suppose Mickey Mouse is likely one of the creepiest cartoon characters ever drawn.

I’ll be frank: the entire above bothered me, to various levels. To not the purpose the place I used to be doing a Michael Douglas in Falling Down however quite a lot of the time it positively didn’t really feel pleasing, within the standard sense of the phrase. It felt intense. Extra of an expertise than an indulgence. I feel you’re both a theme park fanatic otherwise you’re not; you’re both the form of one that can succumb to your childlike glee at princess appearances and glitter-filled balloons otherwise you’re the form of one that’d reasonably pluck out your individual tonsils with a pair of blacksmith’s tongs.

I discovered it straightforward to be swept away by the children’ sense of pleasure and that was an exquisite, memorable factor, but when that enthusiasm degree ever waned, even fleetingly, I’d discover myself screaming inside my very own head: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL AM I EVEN DOING HERE IF THEY DON’T EVEN LOVE IT?

Think twice is all I’m saying. For those who suppose you’ll hate it you then virtually positively will. There are bits I liked (carry on studying) and I’m glad I went, as a result of it was a really distinctive expertise, however there have been contact and go moments the place I’d prefer to have turned again time and spent the cash on a seaside vacation with a youngsters’ membership. Or two seaside holidays. Possibly even three. And on that observe:

2. Value It Up Correctly

With regards to figuring out your finances, I’m going to offer you my two cents as somebody whose endurance was stretched the minute they arrived at Magic Kingdom: prioritise not having to queue.

As a result of these queues, they’re lengthy. They have been routinely a 35 minute wait even for essentially the most fundamental youngsters’ carousel and fairground kind rides. For the “huge ticket” gadgets – the quicker rollercoasters and widespread sights (Slinky Canine rollercoaster, the Seven Dwarfs Mine Prepare come to thoughts) – wait occasions have been generally two, even three hours lengthy.

Three hours! To journey for thirty seconds on a rollercoaster!

Anyway, all was not misplaced since you might purchase one thing to alleviate the ache of queueing and it was known as Genie Plus. Genie Plus is a form of precedence boarding service (just like the Universal Express Pass I wrote about) that lets you use a separate queue to the remainder of the poor sods sweltering away within the warmth. The toilers trudge via the conventional lane to await their destiny and also you, together with your Genie Plus, really feel smug/like a prize twat (delete as relevant) racing previous a whole bunch of individuals in your Lightening Lane, which is totally empty and will actually be paved with gold, simply to stress the distinction between them and us.

There’s one thing fairly flawed about it, isn’t there – you can pay a fortune for admission to the parks however for that colossal whack of cash all you get is the present of seeing your life slip away in half hour increments? To get right of entry to the parks and benefit from the rides and never want you have been sawing off your individual ft in a puddle of lemon juice, you will need to pay further. The additional, once we have been there (second week of April), was $25 per particular person per day. Plus tax, clearly, as a result of it will be an excessive amount of to simply inform folks precisely how a lot something was going to price.

You possibly can see how this could add up over the course of every week, this Genie Plus factor, however don’t be in any doubt that it provides you a wholly totally different expertise. On our first day on the parks we didn’t have it and managed two rides earlier than the children obtained sick of ready round – it simply felt as if we have been consistently strolling then ready, strolling then ready – however on the day I paid for Genie Plus, we (and that is no phrase of a lie, I used to be an absolute ninja on the app by lunchtime) did fourteen rides. Fourteen! Not solely that, we did them over three parks. So decided was I to get my cash’s value.

The downsides of Genie Plus? Properly. It’s not like at Common the place the cross simply helps you to swagger like an entitled berk down the First Class boarding lane each time a journey takes your fancy: you must e-book your actions via the aforementioned app. You possibly can solely e-book one after the other, and plenty of the fascinating rides e-book up utterly from round 7am when the app lets you begin your frenzied bun combat (so stress-free, so magical); however after an hour or so of being completely apoplectic with rage and disbelief, you quickly get used to the system.

Oh additionally: a lot of the actually sought-after rides aren’t included in Genie Plus. Issues just like the Tron journey and Avatar, the massive Star Wars journey and (inexplicably) the Slinky Canine rollercoaster. If you wish to go on these marvels and never queue up then the Genie Plus you’ve paid for gained’t work, you must pay a one-off price for the particular Lightening Lane. After we have been there it was $20 every for Avatar.

Are you following all of this? Good-o.

All I’m saying is, I’d make the Genie Plus a budgeting precedence, even when you solely add it on for a few the times. If you must sacrifice a number of lunches – eat huge at breakfast and early to dinner – then so be it. It’s value it.

3. Eat Massive At Breakfast

Meals. By the point we reached Disney World we had already completed every week in Florida (read about that here) and, to be blunt, didn’t have to eat one other stack of pancakes or skewer of shrimps or double-pattied burger ever once more in our total lives. And so we weren’t even vaguely tempted by the beckoning finger of Disney’s many and different meals institutions. I can not touch upon the usual of the meals as a result of genuinely, within the 5 days we spent there, we solely purchased two gadgets. A croissant and a baguette from a “French patisserie” in Epcot. (Each have been tremendous, not nice.)

What we did as a substitute (and this very a lot ties in with the subsequent tip) is we purchased beautiful fluffy bread rolls from the Publix grocery store, a small tub of butter and a packet of sliced ham and turkey and within the mornings we spent roughly six minutes stuffing these rolls and wrapping them in foil. In they went, into the backpack, together with eight luggage of crisps (you must have spares on this parenting life, don’t you?), 4 luggage of mini cookies and no matter different conveniently-packaged delights we’d picked up down the aisles.

Complete value of lunch every day? About six {dollars} for 4 of us. It could have been round 100 had we completed even a fundamental quick meals joint. It additionally meant we might cease once we wished, discover a shady spot and simply sit down and eat: no queues, no planning required. You may get free iced water at a lot of the foods and drinks service factors and so we crammed up our Chilly’s bottles (we took three with us in our checked baggage, can’t suggest Chilly’s bottles sufficient) and had ice chilly drinks all day lengthy.

Meals for a household of 4 at Disney isn’t low cost (is it actually low cost to eat out anyplace nowadays?); you would simply spend $300 or extra a day on meals and so that you positively want to create space for it in your finances, if budgets are your factor. (I really like a vacation finances listing: something to break my very own enjoyment. I’m mainly a self-sabotager.) Chopping out lunch bills with a straightforward packed picnic is a tremendous manner, for my part, of giving your self a bit again. To spend on Genie Plus passes…

4. Lodging: Go In Laborious

I’m going to do a complete u-turn alone sensibilities right here and suggest one thing that I didn’t truly plan, or do. As a result of I feel that this could have truly made the journey to Disney a lot simpler and – I’ll say it – simply that bit higher: if I used to be going to re-do my journey then I feel I’d positively…virtually positively…keep at a Disney resort.

Argh!

When you have been following me for any size of time you’ll know that staying on a Disney resort wouldn’t be my jam. Not my jam in any respect. However hear me out, as a result of there’s technique to my obvious insanity. I booked an Airbnb as a result of it will give us extra space, the choice to cook dinner within the evenings if we wished (or put together picnic lunches!) and a way of freedom to come back and go from the parks that we wouldn’t get if we stayed in a resort.

Properly. All of that was true (and the Airbnb was about £342 per night time, so loads cheaper than one of many Disney rooms that has the separate dwelling space with a settee mattress for the children) however we barely used the home other than to sleep and have breakfast. We have been normally up and out by half previous eight and didn’t get house till 9 ish at night time – the choice to cook dinner was useful, however we solely cooked as soon as. And even then, as I stood stirring burned garlic in an unfamiliar pan, I did surprise why I used to be attempting to make spaghetti bolognese with cupboard-salvaged elements after I was purported to be having the Vacation of a Lifetime™.

And, every time we drove up and down the interstate, to and from the parks, I did ponder how life would have been easier if we had simply flown instantly into Orlando as a substitute of Miami, dumped our circumstances in a Disney room and eased again into every week of themed buffets and resort water slides. I’m coming round to the concept when you go to Disney, you go in arduous. No automobile journeys, no having to seek out locations to eat within the night (we ended up at 5 Guys and McDonald’s most of the time, anyway) and the good thing about having the ability to wander round later within the night to see the fireworks and night time exhibits. We didn’t do any of these ultimately, as a result of there was all the time a way that we nonetheless needed to get house…

The proper answer could be the aforementioned bigger Disney room or suite with a kitchenette and a separate little house for the children. Then you would make your picnics, have pastries for breakfast when you fancied that as a substitute of trekking all the way down to a buffet or what have you ever, and fill up your mini fridge with useful snacks and bits and items to maintain the children going.

However the value of that? After we have been there, it was about £770 per night time at one of many deluxe lodges. £350 per night time would have seen us in a twin room (two queen beds) however no kitchenette. And, as we’ve established, the kitchenette is essential…

5. Discover the Peak Instances and Keep away from Them

So: it’s all totally complicated, isn’t it, Disney? Keep there – but in addition don’t. Take a picnic, however solely when you have a kitchenette. Have a kitchenette, however solely if you wish to lengthen your mortgage. There’s one arduous and quick rule that I’d dish out although and it’s this: keep away from peak occasions. Keep away from, keep away from, keep away from!

I used crowd calendars after I was planning the journey to work out one of the best time to go to the parks (you could find them on Google here) after which selected every week that was in a low-medium interval of busyness. And it was nonetheless actually busy. The week earlier than had been rated as absolutely the busiest, most capability time (it was Easter) and I can not even think about what that will be like. Use the group calendars and for the love of God, keep away from the height occasions! Although apparently there are storms in the summertime months so there’s that to consider…

6. You Might All the time Wait Till They’re Older

Contemplating Disney with a child and a toddler? WHY? Why, for the love of God? If you’re not that into Disney then I can assure you they’re not. Positive, little Jimmy’s face lights up when he sees Discovering Nemo pop up on the iPad however will he keep in mind a visit to Disney in a 12 months’s time? No he is not going to. Save your cash, go to Sani resort (nonetheless want to check that one, too) and make use of that glorious-sounding creche factor they do on the seaside. Nonetheless kicking myself that I by no means did that vacation…

There have been so many individuals at Disney with prams and toddlers, double prams, child papooses and prams, triple prams: I used to be determined to know who they have been doing it for. If it was for them, the adults, as a result of they only love Disney, then honest play. However I simply can not see how it will be value it for the very fleeting reminiscence a child or toddler would have of it.

I used to be aghast. Primarily as a result of I discovered taking my child and toddler (mine are nineteen months aside) to the grocery store sufficient of a mission once they have been little. Going to Florida and negotiating thirty-six diploma warmth in an effort to journey via a faux tin mine? The thoughts boggles.

I’ve to say (and it’s in all probability the one factor I virtually obtained utterly proper): I believed that I pitched the journey fairly properly by way of the children’ ages. They have been 7 and eight at time of visiting. The littler one didn’t like among the feistier rides (the Millennium Falcon one, for instance, and he didn’t wish to strive the curler coasters) however my eight 12 months outdated was sport for completely every little thing. She was a correct thrill-seeker. Maybe a 12 months later would have meant they’d each wish to journey the entire sights however you reside and study. I’m not a bloody soothsayer.

Anyway, I feel that 8-ish is a beautiful age to go. Sufficiently old to do the entire rides and to recollect every little thing (they’d higher keep in mind every little thing) however nonetheless younger sufficient to be swept away by the entire magic on the Most Magical Place On Earth™. Nonetheless younger sufficient for my cynicism to not have rubbed off on them.

7. Arm Your self With The Details

You’ve determined you’re going: what subsequent? I say arm your self with the details earlier than you begin reserving admission tickets and taking a look at lodges and Airbnbs. There are some issues it is best to know which may have an effect on how you intend your vacation. For example: Disney World is definitely made up of 4 totally different parks (the long-lasting Cinderella fort is in Magic Kingdom after which there’s Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios) and you may’t stroll between them. In truth, getting between them is a little bit of a faff, whether or not you are taking the Disney transport system (monorails, ferries, gondolas, nearly every little thing besides flying elephants) otherwise you use your individual automobile and drive from one to the opposite.

What else…there’s an attraction at Magic Kingdom known as Swiss Household Treehouse and it seems to be as if it is perhaps an journey climbing park for the children. It’s not. Don’t be tempted to enter the gateway, even when it’s the one place and not using a queue. It has no queue for good purpose and that’s as a result of it’s full shite.

Personally, I’d analysis absolutely the bejeezus out of your journey. It gained’t spoil any surprises, it’ll simply offer you an thought of the issues it is best to prioritise and the issues it is best to miss. See the subsequent tip:

8. There Are Issues You Shouldn’t Miss

Clearly this submit has a really distinct tone. One among – unsurprisingly, as a result of it’s within the title – an individual who shouldn’t be that into Disney. After all this was by no means going to be a glitter-strewn account of which cupcakes have been the yummiest – get actual. You’re on the flawed website when you’re after popcorn stands and “high ten rope drop rides”**, child!

Nonetheless, I’ll say that there have been a number of issues that made the entire journey worthwhile. Not less than it pulled all of it into perspective and made me nod my head properly and mutter, ‘ah, now I (form of) get it’…

The very first thing was the Star Wars world in Hollywood Studios. It’s known as Galaxy’s Edge and it’s phenomenal. I grew up with Star Wars being an enormous a part of my life (the unique three movies, clearly, I gained’t even entertain the thought of the remainder of them) as a result of my brother was borderline obsessive about it and my dad and mom liked it (when my Mum remarried she walked down the aisle to the Star Wars theme performed on the church organ) and even I knew the names of the entire characters, main and minor, might determine a Gamorrean Guard and sketch a Galactic map with the entire necessary planets.

So it was a little bit of a second, going to Galaxy’s Edge. Once I say that you’re completely immersed within the theming I’m not exaggerating: every little thing from the bathrooms to the bins to the drink dispensers are completely completed. You’re feeling – when you ignore the entire different folks carrying shorts and baseball caps – as if you’re truly in Star Wars.

In order that was good – and the Star Wars rides have been epic. We in all probability spent extra time there than anyplace else. The opposite enormous spotlight was the Avatar journey in Animal Kingdom: it was life altering. I’m not even being sarcastic, which is a primary for me. It’s a movement simulator journey the place you go on the again of a winged alien chicken factor known as a Banshee and also you truly really feel as if you’re hovering via the air and over land and thru slim cave openings. It’s one of the thrilling issues I’ve ever completed, which is each stunning and barely unhappy seeing as if I used to be a global vogue mannequin for twelve years. It’s the truth that you look as if you’re flying and also you really feel as if you’re flying: in your head, you might be – 100% – flying.

Bloody marvellous. You sit on this form of bike seat after which – little bit of a shock! – a steel barrier comes up behind you and pinions you onto it from the rear after which off you go, into the land of digital actuality. And the land was so stunning – breathtakingly so. I truly had a second the place I welled up, because the Banshee and I paused on the fringe of an alien savannah, he to catch his breath, I to absorb the environment.

This, I believed, is likely one of the most stunning issues I’ve ever seen.

God assist us when VR and AI and no matter else develop into regular, on a regular basis life instruments. Who’d wish to spend the morning driving a bus via Milton Keynes once they could possibly be swooping about via waterfalls and over canyons? The world can be at a standstill.

Anyway, what I’m attempting to say is that there have been HUGE highlights throughout our journey to Disney. I additionally loved the overly sentimental, dripping-with-nostalgia efficiency of Magnificence and the Beast that we stopped to observe, the place I hugged my eight 12 months outdated tight and considered myself at eight and the way it felt like yesterday after which cried quietly behind my sun shades as a result of time goes so quick…

Story as outdated as time, tune as outdated as rhyme…

And, in the end, have been we not there for the children? Was this entire journey not a celebration of childhood and the privilege of being dad and mom within the first place, an opportunity to essentially join as a household and cherish the valuable moments collectively?

‘Subsequent 12 months we’re doing that seaside resort thought,’ mentioned Wealthy, as we met up outdoors the Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast journey, ‘the one the place the children go snorkelling however another person takes care of them.’

9. Exit Via The Present Store

The perfect piece of recommendation I obtained earlier than Disney? I”ll cross it onto you now, just like the Olympic Flame. Treasure it.

There are extra merchandise shops at Disney World than virtually the rest. In truth, a Disney World streetmap would look a bit like this: present store, present store, meals place, present store, bathrooms, present store, journey.

You’ll realise, the second your youngsters step into considered one of these merch shops, that your life as a sane grownup is about to finish. They wish to purchase every little thing. Nothing has an easy-to-read value. All of it seems to be surprisingly much like the stuff you will get on the way in which to the tills at Primark. For those who permit unhindered merch store entry you’ll find yourself two issues: deranged and poor.

A good friend gave me this pearl of knowledge: permit them one journey to a present store per day and one solely. Inform them that they might not truly purchase something till the final day. Give them a finances. Inform them that as a result of there are such a lot of retailers they have to suppose very rigorously about what they need, as a result of they’ll see new issues each time they go into a distinct place. Inform them they might look, however not contact.

Completely bloody genius.

I reckon this technique of Delayed Merch Gratification saved us round 4 hours of pointless standing about in retailers and doubtless round $80,000. As soon as they knew the foundations, the children caught to them admirably, wanting like a bit like skilled antiques sellers as they stood subsequent to the racks of teddies, palms clasped behind their backs, surveying the wares and mentally deliberating over whether or not or not they’d indulge when the wonderful day of Merch-Shopping for reckoning lastly arrived.

Clearly the final day was a nightmare, as we rushed from one land to a different looking for the one store that had the Sew keyring and attempting to determine whether or not the costly Storm Trooper helmet was higher than the smaller youngsters’ one (the smaller youngsters one is nice, by the way in which, and was $29.99, which appeared an absolute cut price in comparison with the tiny Yoda backpack allure that was across the similar value). However at the least the nightmare was a contained nightmare. It didn’t spill over constantly into the each day grind. I imply enjoyment.

10. Different Details

I’m completed with this submit. By no means has one thing taken me so lengthy to place collectively. Between this submit and the one earlier than (here) I reckon I’ve spent extra time writing concerning the “vacation” than I used to be truly on it. Listed here are some further random ideas that I can’t be arsed to weave into any form of complete order:

Florida is sizzling. They name it the Sunshine State however that’s like calling the Arctic the “Bit Nippy Place”. The warmth was brutal and that’s coming from somebody who loves a little bit of scorchio. Pack accordingly, get these sunscreens you possibly can spray on from a can for simple mid-day top-ups and make use of the iced water. I imply, actually do.
The safari at Animal Kingdom is great and – from what I can see on-line – vastly underrated.
Bathrooms are plentiful, not too busy and they’re clear. Simply in case you have been questioning. I prefer to go for a wee a minimum of thirty occasions an hour and so this happy me tremendously – there have been bathrooms in all places. It was a recurrent UTI-sufferer’s paradise.
We did 5 days at Disney in complete and it was sufficient. On the longest day (the primary time we had Genie Plus) we walked 12.7 miles and parked in three totally different automobile parks. Automotive parking is $30 per day however you should use it in the entire automobile parks – you want tickets that permit “park hopping” to be able to go to a couple of park in a day.

Proper: do you’ve got any suggestions? Or do you simply wish to stab me to demise with the fairy godmother’s wand for saying something damaging about Disney? Feedback beneath, please!

*joke! I couldn’t resist a little bit of ribbing. I’ve at the least three associates and two work colleagues who’re going to take nice offence at this.